That is a question I find I am constantly asking myself. To which I seldom find the answer that fully satisfies. I feel as though I've been munching on popcorn to hold me over when what I really need is a steak and potato. This limbo land wreaks havoc on my planner tenancies. So while I wait for clarity on future movement I'm going to reflect on where I've been and where I'm at now.
This last year has been insane for me. Mid October will mark 1 year since I was sick/diagnosed with Idiopathic Intra-cranial Hypertension. It also marks the last time I worked in an office. Little did we know then the permanent changes that would follow. Little did we know then the terrible damage that was taking place that would forever alter my path in life.
You see, not only did this illness effect my career, it effected my freedom. I was no longer able to drive. Truly no one can fully understand the helplessness that a very stubborn, very independent grown woman feels when freedom has been ripped away so suddenly, until you have walked it first hand. I do not have the ability to simply get up and go if and when I please.
Not only did this sudden illness effect my career and my freedom, it altered the course of our family plan. My husband and I had just begun discussing when/if we should bring more children into the picture. Natural and or adopted was the question on the table. Now the idea of natural children seems too risky.
I've held strongly to the fact that I know God has a plan, and I know it has to be better than anything I could possibly plan for myself. But golly, it's hard not knowing what comes next. I've busied myself this year with increasing my mobility and gaining confidence in going out on my own. I've been aided by some amazing women who volunteered to help take me out once a week for errands and appointments (See Teena Taxi Team). Each of these women hold a special place in my heart for the role they've played in helping me regain my freedom. I've recently conquered both crowded ball games in the dark and crowded airports. Which one year ago would never have been more than an inconvenience. Now, thanks to proper training and lots of personal cheerleaders I know I can tackle these things again.
Another struggle I've had to work with, is how people change. Either better, or worse. I have been abundantly blessed by some pretty amazing people that have stepped up to help me. Most of whom I had never even met before. Without these people I truly would not be in the good place I am now. Then there are others who I considered myself very close to, who for whatever reasons have distanced themselves from me. That's been a hard pill to swallow. I've asked myself far too often "what did I do to deserve this?" or "what's so wrong with me that you don't want to be around me?" And for better or worse those thoughts have all stayed in my head or have only been voiced to my sweet husband and my amazing mother. Then along came yet another group of women, who I got to serve with. Each of us broken in our own way. These women have been sweet salve on my broken heart. We celebrate our brokenness, we celebrate our shortcomings, and most importantly we celebrate each other.
So, what is next? I still don't have any idea. But whatever it is, I have this feeling it's something big, and glorious. So while I wait for Him to start writing the next chapter, I'm getting the paper and the pen and ink ready.
Photo Courtesy of a dear friend; Mimi