Kristina Melton

I have found that when I have too much time on my hands I seldom appreciate the quiet and the space to do life as I choose. Yet when the pace picks up those sweet moments of peace in between the chaos are simply golden. I got a moment of golden peace today. Between Baker Bash and quick lunch with my Ginger Girl I stopped to sip coffee and have peace in a bustling coffee shop. Then strolled over to the library where I plugged in my headphones and just journaled. My selfish side tends to yell that I need more quiet time. But I actually seem to be more productive with my peaceful moments when they're tucked neatly between blankets of bustle. And if these winds of change that are brewing are any indication, that's a good thing. Things are about to pick up. They're about to get real in a hurry. So we best get used to how change feels. God has big things in the books. 

Peace.

This last year has been insane for me. Mid October will mark 1 year since I was sick/diagnosed with Idiopathic Intra-cranial Hypertension. It also marks the last time I worked in an office. Little did we know then the permanent changes that would follow. Little did we know then the terrible damage that was taking place that would forever alter my path in life. 

You see, not only did this illness effect my career, it effected my freedom. I was no longer able to drive. Truly no one can fully understand the helplessness that a very stubborn, very independent grown woman feels when freedom has been ripped away so suddenly, until you have walked it first hand. I do not have the ability to simply get up and go if and when I please. 

Not only did this sudden illness effect my career and my freedom, it altered the course of our family plan. My husband and I had just begun discussing when/if we should bring more children into the picture. Natural and or adopted was the question on the table. Now the idea of natural children seems too risky. 

I've held strongly to the fact that I know God has a plan, and I know it has to be better than anything I could possibly plan for myself. But golly, it's hard not knowing what comes next. I've busied myself this year with increasing my mobility and gaining confidence in going out on my own. I've been aided by some amazing women who volunteered to help take me out once a week for errands and appointments (See Teena Taxi Team). Each of these women hold a special place in my heart for the role they've played in helping me regain my freedom. I've recently conquered both crowded ball games in the dark and crowded airports. Which one year ago would never have been more than an inconvenience. Now, thanks to proper training and lots of personal cheerleaders I know I can tackle these things again.

Another struggle I've had to work with, is how people change. Either better, or worse. I have been abundantly blessed by some pretty amazing people that have stepped up to help me. Most of whom I had never even met before. Without these people I truly would not be in the good place I am now. Then there are others who I considered myself very close to, who for whatever reasons have distanced themselves from me. That's been a hard pill to swallow. I've asked myself far too often "what did I do to deserve this?" or "what's so wrong with me that you don't want to be around me?" And for better or worse those thoughts have all stayed in my head or have only been voiced to my sweet husband and my amazing mother. Then along came yet another group of women, who I got to serve with. Each of us broken in our own way. These women have been sweet salve on my broken heart. We celebrate our brokenness, we celebrate our shortcomings, and most importantly we celebrate each other. 

So, what is next? I still don't have any idea. But whatever it is, I have this feeling it's something big, and glorious. So while I wait for Him to start writing the next chapter,  I'm getting the paper and the pen and ink ready.

Photo Courtesy of a dear friend; Mimi

I have been blessed beyond words! Recently two sweet ladies I know organized a group of ladies of 9 ladies who rotate and provide a ride for me each week. Whether it be for errands, shopping, doctor visits, or just to get out of the house! The amazing part? I've never met any of the ladies with the exception of the two that organized it! All of these sweet, amazing ladies have volunteered to be my driver once a week out of the goodness of their heart. This has been so wonderful for me, so freeing!

As I said: blessed beyond words! So thankful for these giving hearts.

When I last worked, I felt as though I was part of The Elite. Not just because we had just been told that at a company retreat where we ate great food, and relaxed with each other over cocktails and Wii bowling. But because as a team we functioned so well together. My direct management was probably the best manager I've had in my entire career. Someone who was not just committed to what was best for the company, but wanted to help his people learn and grow. We had many fun times together in the short time I was there. I miss the daily camaraderie, the jokes about our boss being old and me being short. I miss the sense of belonging. Of all the companies I've worked for over the last 11+ years, I can honestly say this last one was the only one I truly enjoyed being a part of. I took pride in other jobs accomplished, and I enjoyed working with other people, but never the whole package as I did there.

I'm still trying to adjust to this new set of circumstances I have found myself in. Blindness. Not being able to drive. Being let go from my job. Some days it's all just too much to take in. I've enjoyed the slower pace of being at home. My house is clean, and I've had loads of time to cook and experiment in the kitchen. But I don't know what to do with it all yet. One of the more difficult things for me to come to terms with, silly as it may be, is being let go from my job. I was petrified of going back to work. I don't think I was emotionally ready to go back yet, but not having the choice to go back is hard to swallow. It's hard to swallow that, whatever reason they have to label it with, they didn't want me any more. Was it convenient because I was already on leave? Would they have let me go if I'd never have been sick? Or would I have still been let go had I not missed any work? I'll probably never know the answers to my questions. I guess what's next is for me to rest in the knowledge that God knows what he's doing and that he has a better plan for me than what I can even imagine.

I once was captain of my own ship. Clever, courageous, and driven.