Letting go, and letting Him

In processessing through the Stuck study by Jennie Allen, a piece in the Overwhelmed portion keeps calling out to me. So I'm sharing it here:

... All that while, He was there, beckoning me to find him and to find freedom. But to do so I had to die. And honestly, I loved God, but I also loved me and I loved control - and I even loved my to-do lists and schedule. I wasn't sure I wanted God messing with everything. I wanted a little of Him, but not too much. But when we surrender, trust, and obey in the radical way He wants us to, as the old hymn says, the things of earth growing strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

So, what's next?

That is a question I find I am constantly asking myself. To which I seldom find the answer that fully satisfies. I feel as though I've been munching on popcorn to hold me over when what I really need is a steak and potato. This limbo land wreaks havoc on my planner tenancies. So while I wait for clarity on future movement I'm going to reflect on where I've been and where I'm at now. 

This last year has been insane for me. Mid October will mark 1 year since I was sick/diagnosed with Idiopathic Intra-cranial Hypertension. It also marks the last time I worked in an office. Little did we know then the permanent changes that would follow. Little did we know then the terrible damage that was taking place that would forever alter my path in life. 

You see, not only did this illness effect my career, it effected my freedom. I was no longer able to drive. Truly no one can fully understand the helplessness that a very stubborn, very independent grown woman feels when freedom has been ripped away so suddenly, until you have walked it first hand. I do not have the ability to simply get up and go if and when I please. 

Not only did this sudden illness effect my career and my freedom, it altered the course of our family plan. My husband and I had just begun discussing when/if we should bring more children into the picture. Natural and or adopted was the question on the table. Now the idea of natural children seems too risky. 

I've held strongly to the fact that I know God has a plan, and I know it has to be better than anything I could possibly plan for myself. But golly, it's hard not knowing what comes next. I've busied myself this year with increasing my mobility and gaining confidence in going out on my own. I've been aided by some amazing women who volunteered to help take me out once a week for errands and appointments (See Teena Taxi Team). Each of these women hold a special place in my heart for the role they've played in helping me regain my freedom. I've recently conquered both crowded ball games in the dark and crowded airports. Which one year ago would never have been more than an inconvenience. Now, thanks to proper training and lots of personal cheerleaders I know I can tackle these things again.

Another struggle I've had to work with, is how people change. Either better, or worse. I have been abundantly blessed by some pretty amazing people that have stepped up to help me. Most of whom I had never even met before. Without these people I truly would not be in the good place I am now. Then there are others who I considered myself very close to, who for whatever reasons have distanced themselves from me. That's been a hard pill to swallow. I've asked myself far too often "what did I do to deserve this?" or "what's so wrong with me that you don't want to be around me?" And for better or worse those thoughts have all stayed in my head or have only been voiced to my sweet husband and my amazing mother. Then along came yet another group of women, who I got to serve with. Each of us broken in our own way. These women have been sweet salve on my broken heart. We celebrate our brokenness, we celebrate our shortcomings, and most importantly we celebrate each other. 

So, what is next? I still don't have any idea. But whatever it is, I have this feeling it's something big, and glorious. So while I wait for Him to start writing the next chapter,  I'm getting the paper and the pen and ink ready.


Photo Courtesy of a dear friend; Mimi

Emoting

My emotions seem pretty wild lately. Up until about 8 days ago I had been very excited about learning to use a white cane. I met my very nice instructor last week, and he left me with a used cane to practice with until we determine exactly what kind of cane would be best for me, and then order one. 

After he left my emotions went crazy. I don't need this, what was I thinking?! Embarrassment, shame, fear. What if someone thinks I'm a fraud because I can see, some? I know I have to stop worrying about what others think, but geeeesh, it's hard. 

This whole process has been so different, so foreign to anything I have ever experienced. There is no possible way for me to prepare myself. For someone like myself who likes life neat and tidy and planned out... That's hard. 

Trying to take this one step at a time. Literally, one foot in front of the other. Deep breaths...

Too Many Doors Left Open, Too Many Words Unspoken

I sit here frustrated. 

Just frustrated. 

So much of my life has changed over the last 9 months. Yet there are so many loose ends. The most difficult one for me to swallow right now is how I had been cut loose from my work team. And yet somehow that process still isn't complete. I was told back in January that there wasn't a position for me to return to and that I would be receiving a severance package.  Here it is, June, and I've yet to receive anything. Any and all communication with former coworkers has been nonexistent. I feel like a leper: Ignore it, don't acknowledge it. It'll just go away.  It never really existed, just pretend its not there.  There's a part of me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs until someone finally acknowledges me. Then the rest of me just wants to slink away, they don't deserve my time anyway. But I'd really love to ask just what they think I did, personally, to deserve this treatment? Does anyone *want* to lose all or some of their sight? I certainly didn't willingly give up my job. Do they think I enjoy being dependant on others?

Generally I feel as though I've been rather successful in seeing the good in my circumstances. Because there *has* been good. But right now I have to acknowledge the bad, too, or it's simply going to eat me alive. 

Being cast aside so carelessly, and then completely cut off from the life I once knew adds insult to injury, quite literally. Then having to fight for what I was promised to begin with just piles on the insult. I have a horrible taste for the corporate world of retail in my mouth. Companies should treat people with more dignity, more respect. And this is just a guess because I can only speak for myself; I'm pretty certain that most people who find themselves disabled in one way or another would most likely - gladly - give up whatever benefit they receive to no longer be disabled. 







When You Find That You Are The Lemon

They say when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. What do you do when you realize that you were the lemon? 

In my case I made an apology and am going to do my best to make amends. 

Life isn't easy, and there certainly no guarantees for how things turn out. When we've realized we've made a mistake I think the best we can do is recognize what we did wrong, and do our best to right the wrong. Whatever that may look like. 



Teena Taxi Team

I have been blessed beyond words! Recently two sweet ladies I know organized a group of ladies of 9 ladies who rotate and provide a ride for me each week. Whether it be for errands, shopping, doctor visits, or just to get out of the house! The amazing part? I've never met any of the ladies with the exception of the two that organized it! All of these sweet, amazing ladies have volunteered to be my driver once a week out of the goodness of their heart. This has been so wonderful for me, so freeing!


As I said: blessed beyond words! So thankful for these giving hearts.

Roller Coaster

When I last worked, I felt as though I was part of The Elite. Not just because we had just been told that at a company retreat where we ate great food, and relaxed with each other over cocktails and Wii bowling. But because as a team we functioned so well together. My direct management was probably the best manager I've had in my entire career. Someone who was not just committed to what was best for the company, but wanted to help his people learn and grow. We had many fun times together in the short time I was there. I miss the daily camaraderie, the jokes about our boss being old and me being short. I miss the sense of belonging. Of all the companies I've worked for over the last 11+ years, I can honestly say this last one was the only one I truly enjoyed being a part of. I took pride in other jobs accomplished, and I enjoyed working with other people, but never the whole package as I did there.

Don't get me wrong. I know I always said I wanted to be at home with my babies. I wanted to be a housewife. And aside from feeling trapped without the ability to *do* and *go* as I please, I am enjoying being a housewife. But I think the longer I had to work, the more I became resigned to it. In the end I think I found more fulfillment in it than I realized.

Even if I had wanted to be at home, the abruptness of the change is enough to send a person whirling. I think Jeff put it best when he said its like jumping off of a freight train into a wall of jello. Going from living the highlife, to being queen of the couch is a difficult transition in the best of times.

I'd like to think they miss me as much as I miss them...

Everything Changes

I'm still trying to adjust to this new set of circumstances I have found myself in. Blindness. Not being able to drive. Being let go from my job. Some days it's all just too much to take in. I've enjoyed the slower pace of being at home. My house is clean, and I've had loads of time to cook and experiment in the kitchen. But I don't know what to do with it all yet. One of the more difficult things for me to come to terms with, silly as it may be, is being let go from my job. I was petrified of going back to work. I don't think I was emotionally ready to go back yet, but not having the choice to go back is hard to swallow. It's hard to swallow that, whatever reason they have to label it with, they didn't want me any more. Was it convenient because I was already on leave? Would they have let me go if I'd never have been sick? Or would I have still been let go had I not missed any work? I'll probably never know the answers to my questions. I guess what's next is for me to rest in the knowledge that God knows what he's doing and that he has a better plan for me than what I can even imagine.

the storm

I once was captain of my own ship. Clever, courageous, and driven.

I have been taken captive, I am shackled and chained in the belly of my ship. I'm beaten and bruised, being tossed about by the raging storm above. My head barely remains above water as the storm tosses the ship about. I begin to wonder if I will ever see the light of day again.

My head tells me liberation will come, but my heart is not so trusting.